My Testimony

Born at 22 weeks and weighing just 1lb, 5 ounces, the doctors doubted my survival, but I was destined for a purpose. My life is undeniably a miracle. My childhood appeared perfect in family photos and Facebook posts for everyone to see. But what about what wasn’t visible? My dad struggled with heroin addiction, and while his transformation is his story, mine is about being on the sidelines, part of a journey I had no control over. This is my life as an addict's daughter.

 I lived in a house that was more like a construction site, the Pelzer house.  My bedroom had no power, we had to use drop cords. I had no closet; you get the idea. The attic space wasn’t closed in, so we had birds living in our walls. I am terrified of birds to this day. Sometimes for winter we would use a kerosene heater in the kitchen, and we would get dressed around it to stay warm; or leave the oven door open to feel the heat from it. We didn’t have central heating or air. It wasn’t the best, but it was home; a place to live, protected from outside elements; My brother, my dad, my mom and me. From the outside, it looked like a nice two-story house, but things changed when you walked through the door.

 My dad tended to start projects and not finish them. Things would be halfway done, wires hanging exposed. My Mom was very OCD and expected her house to be spotless, even though my dad had tools and stuff everywhere for his next project. I was the oldest, and a girl, so it was my job to clean. Normal, right! My mom had certain rules, such as all boxes had to be in order tallest to smallest, towels folded and organized by color, you get the idea. At the time, I didn’t know, but my mom couldn’t control the life going on around her, so she controlled everything else instead. My Dad would make the joke that I was the "slave of the house because I had to clean everything up after everyone." We all laughed, but it caused me to resent them. I felt like an outsider in my own family.

My Dad had a temper, I hated to be around him. He would get violent and throw things, break stuff, cuss. He would hold Mama up against the wall and threaten her; the entire time she would be praying. I remember one time he was mad about something, talking about killing himself. My mom said if you kill yourself, you’re going to hell so you better rethink that, you need God. (He said F God, I am the devil, I saw my dad in a different light, I saw pure evil. My view of my dad was forever changed at that moment.)

My mom would scream for me to get my brother and run down the street. “Go!” she would scream. “Just go.” As a kid I remember not wanting to leave her with him, but I had to listen. I grabbed my little brother, who was probably 7 at the time, and ran. It was raining and dark. We ran to the end of the street and hid in a bush until my grandparents came and got us. 

Another time would be when I cooked spaghetti, my first time cooking; I was excited, right! I got all the plates to match the cups (90s Hercules dishes); it was going to be perfect; by the time my dad walked in the door it would be ready, like my mom did, waiting on him hand and foot. And it was. He was mad about something from earlier that day and threw the food on the floor, cups went flying and WW3 broke out in my house. He told my mom that he wasn’t eating it and went on to describe how bad of a meal it was. Naturally I ran off to be out of sight…that is one thing you learn as a child of conflict at home, when yelling starts, go hide, escape.

My dad never knew that I cooked the food, he was mad at my mom and thought she cooked it. He was trying to take his anger out on her, not stopping to think maybe I was the one who cooked or who he was affecting in his anger tantrum.

(Sleep. That was fun,) 

My Dad was an addict. If you know anything about addicts, it will make you stay up for days. He would come into either mine or my brother’s room early in the morning or late at night to show us this neat invention he had an idea for or try to teach us how to play the guitar, or fuss because of something that we didn’t do that he thought we should have. Most of the time I was living off 3 to 4 hours of sleep. My brother would sleep at the foot of my bed or in my bed, because of the screaming and fighting. He would be so afraid, and I would lie to him and tell him it would be okay, trying to comfort him, being terrified myself. I was working a full-time job, going to school and taking care of Logan, my brother. You do what you have to do.

My Mom was there. Looking back now I see that she did the best she could. She was working a full-time job while going to college at night full-time. She was stressed beyond the breaking point, depressed and needed downtime. I understand that now as an adult but as a child I saw an angry father and mentally absent mother. This left me to feel alone and responsible for those around me. I wanted to be the comfort my mom needed, trying to take her pain as my own. I helped my brother through school. Luckily, he was smart, but to be a parent like a role model for a young boy was hard. 

The point is it doesn’t matter how we grew up; we choose who we want to be. We can keep the same attitudes and say well it's because of how I was raised. Or you can find identity in Christ. My entire life I have heard Jesus loves you. Right! We all know that. 

Psalms 103:13 says, "As a father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him."

I have feared my dad, but I have never known compassion from him. How am I supposed to know how God loves me when my dad didn’t demonstrate that to me? 

John 4:7 says, "God’s love is unconditional, as His nature is to love."

Unconditional, what does that mean? Absolutely, not subject to any special terms or conditions, no matter what.

I had gone 28 years with a dad who was an addict, I had gotten married, had a child, and my brother graduated high school. Life went on even though my family was not united. My pain from my childhood was still bothering me…. Push it deep inside, cope with the pain, that’s what we do. The first time we all welcomed him back with open arms. He is so much better now, going to church like the rest of us, putting on the face. That’s what we all thought, I was the number one fan. Until one day I found drugs in the house where my daughter could have gotten into it. He burned my Moms house down trying to commit suicide, while I’m 8 months pregnant with my second child. I was done. I wanted no part of him. I was so mad. I hated him. I was mad at God because He let us go through this stuff again, and again. I’m watching the people I care about hurt over and over. He was going to miss out on his grandchildren’s life, he was willing to throw us all away. All that pain that I had pushed down for 28 years came rising back to the top. I was lost searching for a way to fill that void again.

 God can do anything. My dad walked to Faith Home Recovery Center and put himself in rehab on his own this time. I still wanted no part of him, I didn’t believe anything he said. He had fooled me once before. He would buy my kids gifts almost every week when my mom would go see him. She never gave up on him. My Mom had begged me to go see him, he had really changed. By this point, my heart was cold as ice when it came to that man; I didn’t even claim him as my dad anymore. BUT I went to see him, for her, and he was different. He didn't cuss, he would read his bible, he didn’t bring up the past, he showed love, he had been at his lowest and he still was trying to get me to forgive him. It took time, He needed a place to stay after he graduated rehab because my mom’s house was still gone. He stayed with me. Not because I was sweet, but so I could keep an eye on him, see if he had really changed. He lived with my husband and I for almost 4 months and it was amazing. He helped wash clothes; do dishes. He helped with the kids. He wanted me to read the Bible with him and pray with him. He would pray with the kids, and I got the chance to take him to get his license after 10 yrs. without them. Through those four months I really learned how to forgive, how to heal and who God is. 

To see a man that I used to run away from praying with my children, to see him read the Bible and let you know that God will never let you down; like he did. The transformation of someone who comes to salvation in such a way they truly have a new identity is life changing. I wanted my dad to change this entire time, I wanted control, but when you truly give something to God and surrender to Him, that’s when change happens, that’s when lives are transformed. I had a lot of insecurities because of my childhood, my self-esteem, my fixation on control, my guard that was always up. I had to learn how to let go of pain and hurt and surrender. I had to realize that God was with me through it all. We had food, we had shelter, might not have been the best but I was provided for. See, I didn’t really know who God was until I saw the change in my dad. I didn’t realize how powerful He is until I saw my dad cry. If you see the toughest, meanest person you know, melt like butter and become vulnerable and soft hearted, just imagine.  I didn’t know who God truly was until I understood what He is capable of.

My brother and I joke about being adopted because the parents that raised us are not who they are now. I am still building and growing a relationship with my parents and God to this day. My faith is still growing. It is not an easy ride, but God will never leave you. That’s in Hebrews. No one is perfect and we all still make mistakes but why let the pain/ hurt/ stress /worry/ control who you are. Whether it's drugs, cleaning, shopping, eating uncontrollably or not at all, sin. We all have our problems, but the only coping mechanism we need is Jesus. He teaches us that through forgiveness we are renewed, Mathew 6:14; Matthew 18:22. Through His power, we can overcome the troubles of this world, Romans 8:31; Luke 10:9; To surrender to Him, giving your problems to him, He will answer your prayers. Philippians 4:6; Isaiah 41:10. 

I want my life to be a lesson to you that anyone can change with God. Anything is possible with God. You can forgive or be forgiven with God. More importantly, you are worthy of love by God's grace. Use your pain for a purpose. Everyone has a testimony, a story to tell! When you learn to give God the glory through the pain and see the blessings in the bad, that is when you are getting to really know who God is. 

By Hannah Austin